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When the going gets tough...

Jan. 14th, 2015 | 08:44 pm

... The tough hide under a blanket.

Ordinarily I can deal with the fact that my job means that I have to deal with a lot of young people and families in crisis or difficulties. I attend a lot of child protection meetings and early help meetings. Kids tell me things that have to be referred to social services. It's the worst but it happens.

Normally I deal by talking with my manager and sort of mentally letting go. I write the reports and case notes etc. Sometimes things stick under your skin and that's one of those things.

Obviously I can't give details but I had a devastatingly sad meeting with a 12 year old today. They're so depressed and trapped by their caring role. They're painfully aware that they're missing their childhood and made a really sad disclosure. Because of the nature of the disclosure, I had to phone the parents and alert them and make a report. It's amongst the worst phone calls I've ever had to make and it's really stuck in my head.

Maybe I should have gone out tonight or done yoga or something, but frankly Im completely worn out. So I'm hiding under a blanket watching shit documentaries and snuggling the rats. Tonight I choose wuss mode.
Since doing therapy Im getting a bit better at giving myself permission to have non functioning days, as long as I dont get stuck there.

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(no subject)

Sep. 23rd, 2013 | 11:50 pm
mood: Ragey

Thanks for the advice on dealing with my boyfriend's mum. She made another fb comment today and James actually saw it and thought it was out of order.
I was just saying that much as dropping down to working 4 days a week has been good for my mental health, financially it's very difficult. A close friend of mine made a joke about not to worry, just a couple less beers a week and then she thought this was serious and made quite a patronising comment about how drinking less is worth it to save money & how it will also help my mental health.
I don't know quite how it turned in to a debate about my drinking habits (I actually don't drink in th week at all), I'm just surprised she didn't comment on how it'll improve my figure too.
I really wonder what the hell she thinks I get up to? I'm quite convinced that she thinks money is tight because I spend it on all my booze and cakes.
Time to deploy my tactful conversation I guess.
It's was really bad timing as well because I've had an amazing weekend in London with my mum, watching shows, crying at West Side Story and just getting chance to hang out. It's been the closest thing I've had to a holiday away in 3 years.
I had a really tough morning this morning thanks to yet another psych assessment & I was just feeling pretty vulnerable as it was. I don't think she realises that actually I'm the person paying most of the household bills and keeping our finances going. I do pretty much all the cooking and if I have a drink at the weekend, fuck it. I've earned it.
Being single at least didn't come with in laws. I love James but, man, his mum is wearing me down at the moment.

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this whole mindfulness

Dec. 6th, 2012 | 12:18 am

.  I've decided to start taking on board the suggestion that mindfulness & meditation can really help with BPD... Y'know, as long as I keep on taking the mega drugs.
I already do yoga but I don't want to go to do meditation at somewhere with religious connotations so my teacher recommended this Headspace online course. Even I can manage 10 minutes a day right? RIGHT!!!! (maintaining long term commitment & focus is another thing that's tricky when you have BPD. I'm in to everything deeply excitedly but very short termly.) 
So far so good, it actually made me super relaxed and still after a really rubbish brain day. Hopefully in the new year I'll start to be ready to face therapy again. At the moment dealing with outpatient treatment for eating & trying to stay day to day well is enough. I'll survive Christmas first!


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The inevitable return

Aug. 31st, 2011 | 12:15 pm

I've decided that I may need livejournal back in my life. other social networks and blogging aren't quite the same and I need some rant space.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


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stuff. of. nightmares.

Sep. 28th, 2010 | 07:49 pm
mood: amusedamused


Someone posted this on twitter....of course, perversely, I love it!

I am a rabbit.

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The planet beyond tired.

Sep. 8th, 2010 | 07:47 am
mood: tiredtired

The start of a new teaching term is always killer. I knew I was going to be tired, because a) I'm still on a heavy amount of medicaton and b) going from a long holiday straight in to full tilt is never going to be an easy adjustment...but blimey o'riley!

My Monday and Tuesday time table is insanely heavy. On one hand this is a good thing, the day passes quickly and I really (mostly) enjoy the classes I have so I feel knackered but kind of content that it comes from good work.

On the other hand I can foresee burn out really easily if I'm not careful. I'm too tired to do much when I come home but I have to do planning/marking in to the evening because there's literally no free time in my day at work. I know I'll be able to have some relief if it gets too much. Work are very aware of the fact that this could be very hard for me. On the downside, that will transfer the pressure to someone else so...yeah.

I can do this though...I think!

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Sep. 6th, 2010 | 07:16 pm

....really not so good without Mark Ronson.

I had to listen to Bang Bang Bang in order to exorcise it from my head after days of it on repeat in my brain...clicked on a few other MNDR songs on youtube. Decidedly average.

Any good music recs?

I'm listening to a lot of IAMX, Trash Palace, Lesbians on Ecstasy & Robots in Disguise at the moment...kind of an Electro thing going on.

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Die liver, die.

Sep. 6th, 2010 | 07:37 am

Bit of a mental weekend.

Friday night was a very early birthday celebration with a few friends in Reading & the boy made me dinner and arranged everything. Was very ace. I got a stupidly expensive haircut...we'll call it an early birthday present. it looks fab, but I'm fairly sure I'll never be able to style it the way the hairdresser did ever again!

Saturday headed to Reading Pride. It was fun...there were more drag acts than I've ever seen on one stage, not all of them especially quality BUT sitting around in the sun drinking cider is nothing to complain about. A good friend came up and hung out. As a self professed 'serial fag hag' she had a whale of a time.

More beer in the evening...liver is now no longer on speaking terms with me.

Back to school today. Bleh.

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(no subject)

Sep. 3rd, 2010 | 04:18 pm
mood: bouncybouncy

Well three days of the new term and the summer hols seem like a wistful dream!

They were relatively painless and I seem to be well on top of everything like planning and preparation so hopefully no tearing my hair out for at least a week.

I always forget how super ace my tutor group are until they come back and then I get all 'awwwww!' over them again. They're all scarily grown up now though, just 9 months left of their secondary education and then my babies fly the nest. 7 years is a long time to spend in someone's life.

Still the weekend is upon us...I'm treating myself to a new hair cut & I'm going to get my fucking drink on. (Preferably after the haircut lest I end up trapped in a bowl cut nightmare!)

Tomorrow is Reading Pride so I'm sure there will be fun with boys in dresses & more drinking....possibly some falling over...maybe a drag show or two.

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(no subject)

Apr. 15th, 2009 | 12:06 pm

Up to Manchester later today for Dad's funeral tomorrow. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the continuing support and messages. Sorry if I haven't managed to reply to them all yet, I will. It means a lot and has been great help xxx <3

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